


Before and After I Met You

by izzyisozaki



Series: Canonverse [3]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Falling In Love, I Made Myself Cry, M/M, Monologue, POV First Person, Reminiscing, Romance, Surprises, Tooth-Rotting Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-14
Updated: 2018-03-14
Packaged: 2019-03-31 02:06:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13965018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/izzyisozaki/pseuds/izzyisozaki
Summary: [ 愛 ]





	1. From Victor to Yūri

**Author's Note:**

> My piece for [_Heartbeats_](https://heartbeatszine.tumblr.com), a YoI fanzine whose theme was the Five Love Languages. I chose "Acts of Devotion" and "Words of Affirmation," so this has two parts, which are rated T and M respectively (though it's all really G if you ask me). There was no limit in participants for the zine, and it is still available for [free download](https://twitter.com/HeartbeatsZine/status/963813323102826496) ♡ Making a charity donation, however, is encouraged; so far $520 has been raised through the platform!
> 
> Being that the zine came out a month ago, on Valentine's Day, people will now be posting their works to their accounts, so you can more easily leave them feedback.
> 
> Kudos to the organizers for pulling off such a big, loving project. I really want to thank the two people who betaed for me, too!
> 
> Happy White (Chocolate) Day

While I was stood there in the middle of the ice, catching my breath after my free skate, I reached an epiphany. It was so simple, yet I had ignored it for so long, the numbness I felt toward competing becoming something habitual. My arms, crossed over my chest, embraced nothing but emptiness, and the satisfaction born from skating my best felt as hollow as the smiles I put on for the cameras. My performance was actually far from just an act, but that only made matters worse; it was a call to no one, existing solely to entertain the audience and to set a bar for other skaters. The roar of the crowd barely pulled me out of my thoughts then, and I exited the rink to receive my score. Though what I did unlikely surprised anyone, I had, for the time being, put the rumors of my retirement to rest, winning the Grand Prix Final for the fifth time. Next to me, my coach, Yakov, sat quietly with a complacent smile, as if it had all gone exactly how he expected, despite all his complaints I never listened to him.

Once everything necessary for the victory ceremony was prepared, I finished my interview and waited to be called to the podium, the colorful Russian costumes of the medal bearers reminding me what this meant to my country, an inexplicable relief then washing over me at the sound of my name. Under the spotlight, I skated to the steps of the podium, and climbed on top of the highest one. Soon the Russian event coordinator walked across the carpet, which had been rolled onto the ice, stopping in front of me to drape the medal ribbon around my neck, solemnly congratulating me for my win. Chris, and another skater…JJ, followed in receiving their medals. After that, each of us received a mixed bouquet of red, white, and yellow roses. The Russian anthem then played and I stared up at my country’s flag, hanging between those of Switzerland and Canada. It felt like an eternity before it was over.

We stepped off the podium and made our way to the center of the rink, saluting the audience. I opened my arms and turned in place, the applause deafening as I held up the medal, forcing myself to smile and kissing its golden surface. The metal was cold against my lips, and like that, the shaky edifice of my motivation began to crumble under the weight of that gold medal, which hung from my neck like the pendant of a chain, slowly and secretly suffocating me.

I doubt I could have carried on much further, winning both the European and World Championships, had I not seen you dance that night at the banquet. With your mind muddled by sweet sparkling wine, you had challenged both Yuri and Chris to a dance-off. As I watched it unfold, I could not help myself from taking pictures; you were the most versatile dancer I had ever seen, and your energy seemed boundless. At the sound of Spanish music, you began to do a flamenco dance and, feeling more in my element, I mirrored your movements, quickly garnering your attention. You switched to a paso doble and mimed a bull about to charge. I pulled off my jacket, holding it like a cape. We circled each other until you changed demeanor, inviting me to tango. But before I could enter in position you were in front of me, placing your left arm around my waist and pulling me closer, bringing our free hands to entwine. We quickly found a rhythm and with each step you became more daring and passionate, ultimately lifting and swinging me around into a dip, laughing sweetly as you brought your hand to my face – suddenly I felt like laughing, too.

When your competitors, including myself, were out from exhaustion, you continued to frisk around us, the back of your briefs pulled half down. Turning towards me again, you nearly collided into my chest, pulling me into a fierce hug. You began to press your hips up against mine, movements overt but only brushing me lightly. In that shameless, inebriated state you began telling me things in Japanese that I could not understand, continuing as you pulled back to look up at me, your horrid blue necktie wrapped around your head. I stared back, speechless, until you finally switched to English, and a gasp escaped my throat: you had hollered “Be my coach, Victor!” and thrown your arms around my neck.

Your eyes shone so bright, Yūri, like you had been searching for so long and finally found me. Considering the ocean and many kilometers between us, it feels almost like a miracle. You tumbled straight into my arms, like you belonged there, even loosening and pushing my own necktie up around my head. But I know it was hardly a coincidence. I saw your skating and realized, eventually, you had been calling me this entire time, albeit less consciously than you may have realized. It was like my free skate program had been completed by you, inspiring me in turn – as a skater, a choreographer, as a mere man. At first, I was a bit disoriented by how unpredictable you were, but I felt a close affinity between us. I knew there was only one thing I could do to show you my interest, and later my growing love: to be whatever you wanted me to be. I started by being your coach. I would have done things differently, but I was more than happy to take on more of a role if that could have helped…or pleased you. But you would not let me do that, and I think something at the beach, where we spoke, irrevocably changed for us that day.

This warm happiness filling my chest cemented my desire to be with you. However, being validated as a person and not only as a champion was entirely new. It reminded me a bit of that night at the banquet. I thought to have the power to influence how people saw me and, to a certain degree, choose my role; now I see so many parts of me were unexpressed until I met you. I was set on the idea of bringing out the hidden side of you and, for that purpose, I performed even something akin to a spell to turn you from a piglet into a prince. In truth, you did that to me without even trying, making me nothing more than Victor Nikiforov, a man who finally discovered what it is really like to live and love.

I noticed how also your behavior with me changed after that, as you began to express your feelings and ideas more spontaneously. I admit that when I caressed your lips and leaned forward to ask if you could tell me what your true _eros_ was for me to learn, it was because you ignited something in my heart.

It had felt natural to open up to you after having seen you do a rendition of _Stammi vicino, non te ne andare_. Maybe we were both baring our souls in that program. It was much greater than a game of seduction, or a quest for inspiration – I wanted to learn what was inside your heart. Being only an enthusiastic coach or a competitor was not enough to make me happy, though I would have been grateful for either things. You might think competing means a lot to me, and perhaps you are right, but not because I am missing something – that was before. Coaching you rekindled my love for skating.

Do you understand what finding my motivation meant? It did not have to do with skating. I needed a reason outside of that, a purpose. I found it in you. I have never had a greater will to achieve than I do now, with the energy and emotions you give me. I think it is natural that when things go well together, they work better. I believe this is our case. I could even retire, almost without fear, thanks to the reassurance I will always have gold; all I have to do is look at my ring finger and think of the love that connects us, like the warmth and security of a home.

You are my sun, burning bright in a sky once so dull. I do not know how I could live until I saw you peak timidly from the clouds. Russian winters are very harsh, and I am used to ice. I may be carefree, seeing things under an artificial light, but in the end I noticed what I was missing, because you showed it to me. A path for when my career would be over was not something I could have found on my own. It could not be something paved by merely skating. I needed companionship. I needed someone who could inspire me to be a better person, someone who would hold me tight because they missed me. Do you see why that person is you?

(I hope those tears on your face are not ones of boredom, Yūri, because I am not done yet.)

There are so many things I still want to do with you, so many things I want to discover by your side. When Chris pointed out our matching rings, I declared we were engaged, because I wanted to stay with you with all my heart. There I hoped you were not refraining to pursue a gold that signified a life together; gold medals won together as coach and student or as competitors are a mere highlight in comparison.

Sharing the ice is something special, beyond words, but it is not for any moment of the day, let alone a lifetime. Maybe me wanting this did not make sense for you, so worried you were about how leaving competitive skating would affect me. You must know I could have done that, because I love our being a team as much as our being competitors, if not more. Having both things is surreal, but so _us_ , we who try to reach and experience everything through skating. Though it may have brought us together, what binds us is something else. I love the sound and the nuance of the word in Japanese, so I will call it _ai_ 愛. It was your theme for the season, together with mine because, after all, meeting you helped me create much of the program I was planning to use.

I was undecided after meeting you on that fateful night. It was hard to fall asleep, so great was my agitation on how I should act. Eventually I settled on meeting you at a future figure skating event, perhaps then sorting out my feelings in regard to what you said. Knowing that the World Championships would be in Tōkyō, I even had my dog’s entry permit worked out in advance, in case my life really did turn upside down and I could no longer wait to experience competitive skating as your coach, and hopefully more. You could say I was seduced, but only you could have managed to pull off a feat like that at the banquet; thoroughly drunk on champagne and hurt by your losses, your impulsive behavior and yearnful gaze intrigued me.

I forget things, even important ones, but this I will never forget. It is ironic you do not remember a night so important, but so we complete each other, like a formidable pair team. If a situation makes you ever suffer so much you have to gulp down over a bottle of champagne, I want to be there.

I guess what I am trying to say with all this, before I kneel down on one knee on the ice rink to ask you to marry me, is thank you, Yūri, for everything.


	2. From Yūri to Victor

I think my heart may have burst that afternoon, in the middle of the ice rink. We were practicing during one of our reserved hours, when only you and I would be there, refining our figure skating programs for the Olympics. The stress of qualifying was already behind us and I mostly just wanted to spend some time alone with you by training at the Ice Castle, my home rink. Having you all to myself, where we first started off as coach and student, had helped me mentally before. To be honest, I never want you to take your eyes off me. The vivid reminder of how far we had come together made the pressure we would compete with less intimidating, and after a week I was already fantasizing about making you kiss my gold medal…again. (Not that I would mind kissing yours, of course.)

I was doing some jumps when you called me to the center of the rink. For all week you had seemed a bit thoughtful, almost jittery. I thought maybe you wanted to talk something over with me. You smiled and took my gloved hands, staring at me very intensely.

“This will be a bit long, but please listen to the very end.”

My hands squeezed yours, a bit concerned by how ominous that sounded, but I nodded.

You started telling me about how you felt, over one year ago, when you finished your free skate at the Grand Prix Final in Sochi. Rubbing the back of your hands with my thumbs I calmly listened to you speak, until suddenly you brought me up, and the story turned into an elaborate declaration of love. My heart began to pound furiously, my eyes to water, but I could neither hide nor escape. I wanted to hear everything.

When you finished, I lunged towards you, making you stumble down on the ice. I could not stop crying into your chest, making a scene. Then, seeing your soft smile, I started to kiss you.

I repeated “I can't let you go, don't let me go” at intervals against your lips, and you kissed me back, as if sealing the promise.

Then you said, “Why do you think they say my hand is glued to your shoulder? I couldn't let you go if I _tried_ ,” and I laughed, wiping my face with the back of my glove, finally moving to let you up.

I knew your love, but I was not prepared to hear it articulated so extensively. I would have been deliriously happy to just have you embrace me and say “You are my soulmate, please marry me.”

Then again, you never fail to surprise me. I have repeated your precious words in my head so many times, in order to never forget them, until my resolution to spend the rest of my life with you finally sealed its grip on my heart.

I love you, and would not trade your presence with all the gold medals in the world. Listen to me, my sweet husband. There is no one better for me than you. No one can make my heart beat as fast or make me feel as safe. I often hesitated to give others my trust, and I frequently skirted gestures of affection directed at me, including yours, because I did not want you to see my flaws. I am, in fact, rather jealous and proud. Your outspokenness, as well as the gentle approach you learned to employ when my heart is extremely fragile, has helped me curb my avoidance tendencies whenever I am anxious, and I feel more confident, too. I know you believe in me, and wish to protect me from my fears.

Whenever I rest my head in the crook of your shoulder, I am overwhelmed by a sense of peace, and I feel like I was meant to love and be loved, all because of you. You claim I taught you life and love, but you taught me to fully understand them. Even my body, now joint with yours, was transformed by your hands. You said you became my coach because I skate like my body creates music, that you had the gut feeling where only you could create a program to maximize that music. I am so thankful that my rendition of _Eros_ at Onsen on ICE validated how you felt, and that you insisted that _I_ plan my next program, choosing both the music and theme of my free skate. What came of it is the program I love most in the world. Without you and the others, I would have never made it this far, let alone broken a world record. You changed me and helped the love around me make me stronger.

If I was able to do anything remotely similar for you, I would be sincerely happy, and will continue to do my best to love you and make you proud. Seeing your eyes fill with tears because of me still leaves me in disbelief. I am sorry about how weird I was that time, but now I understand. I wish to slowly kiss them away if you will allow me. They are honest, beautiful and dazzling – like you. I hope your tears are always be born from happiness and positive amazement, like the ones I am wiping away now. You simply enchant me. I feel my heart squeeze in my chest whenever I see your smile. It is what makes you really beautiful. I want to see you always smile for me, and to thank you again for everything up till now. Every touch and gentle gaze. I treasure them more than you could ever imagine.

I had officially planned to tell you all this before our wedding, but I am still searching for the words. Maybe I will never find all of them to express the extent of how I feel about you. Whenever you gasp above or beneath me, I feel like I lose my breath. I think our love may have the power to destroy us, but I am not afraid anymore. I know that we still have a whole eternity, whether or not I can always have you close to me. But I will not deny that you make resting, and even breathing, easier. There is no replacement for when our hands are one in the other. It does not matter how many others I try to grasp.

You might be amazed at how I managed to prepare a speech nearly as long as yours, but the sight of you, glistening and flushed, inspired me to add a number of things. It makes sense, since you are also what _eros_ means to me. I would beg you to turn me over and give me everything you have, but I need to see your eyes on me right now. I would gladly lose myself in them if possible, and I hope they will be the last thing I ever see, when my time finishes. I know you hate when I talk like this, but it is true. I do not want you to leave before me.

Okay, I will stop talking like this. I know it is a touchy subject for you…like your hair. See, I knew you would pout at the mention of that. I am going to ask you to start moving again, so focus on the sensation it brings you. It only lasts for a certain time, but you are always within my heart. You fill me, enhancing every moment. It makes me speechless, sometimes. I want to hold on to you so tightly, to never let you go. Today, I will make sure you hear everything, that you know how I feel. It is so much…because you are more than I could ever ask for. Victor…

You are so warm it often relieves the tension I did not know was there. I do not think I could ever get enough you. I am always so hungry for more and more, even if sometimes I hesitate to take and let myself go. What you do for me is more than I could ever hope to repay, so I want you to have me entirely, to tell me whatever you want. I may get ambitious and rebel against your coaching advice, but it is because you make me want to be the best I can be. You make me feel irreplaceable, no matter of how I feel about myself. That is just how incredible you are. You are my one and only true love. Never, ever forget your happiness is also mine.


End file.
